Sam Allardyce thinks referees should go back to school. “Get young referees off the parks and into academies,” says Big Sam. He’s quite right — and the biggest thing the modern ref needs is an academic training in how to deal with irate gaffers.
Course units at Refs School should include the methodology of how to spot that care in the community glint in a gaffer’s eye that indicates he is about to unleash a Pardew-esque butt on a Hull City player. Tutors might reflect that grey-haired little men with Napoleonic complexes called Jose need special observation, as they are, if roused by a bad tackle, likely to escape their technical area like an unleashed tiger and rush on to the pitch wearing a normcore coat. Dealing with the Mourinho “innocent shrug” as you red card him could take up a complete term’s work, but would enhance all men in black’s academic development.
The most important section of the course would be held in the Wenger School of Optical Challenges and be centred on exercises identifying which Arsenal player to send off for handballing on the line.
The Wayne’s World unit would deal with the psychology of the modern game and help the trainee ref identify which players are feeling tetchy because their hair transplants haven’t taken.
While the Practical Refereeing unit would suggest innovative responses to players who flourish imaginary cards, such as the ref flourishing an imaginary card back at them. It would also include a methodology for dealing with players always in the ref’s ear like Luis Suarez and Kevin Nolan (an off the ball Chinese Burn is suggested).
As for the tricky problem of what to do when you are forced to consult your assistant because he’s flagging for an infringement against Andy Carroll, the course handbook suggests discussing the weather with him while looking earnest, awarding a goal anyway and then running back to the centre circle as fast as you can…
