After beating Poland we’ll all allow ourselves a few hours of thinking Stevie Gerrard’s England can win the World Cup. Then we can get back to the sensible business of preparing our excuses for failing to beat Costa Rica or Iran in Brazil.
Injury is the first refuge of the England fan. We’d obviously have won the 2002 World Cup were it not for David Beckham’s iffy toe, so we need a similar scare about, say, Andros Townsend’s metatarsal. In a striker crisis the whole nation might be left sweating on Andy Carroll’s plantar fascia, an injury to the heel more commonly associated with ballet dancers. Or perhaps a cruel tear in Wayne Rooney’s headband might lead to him missing a crucial chance in the quarter-finals.
Losing in a penalty shoot-out provides another readily available excuse, as we all know they are a lottery and you can’t practice for them or replicate a big-match situation. Unless you are the Germans of course, who cheat by employing statisticians analysing the laws of probability and then keep their equivalent of Gareth Southgate well away from the spot.
Playing the World Cup abroad is another dastardly FIFA trick, because “it’s like being in a foreign country” as Ian Rush once observed of Italy. Foreign food is always a good scapegoat, such as the time when Gordon Banks went down with food poisoning in the 1970 Mexico World Cup. While at the same World Cup Mexican police arrested Bobby Moore on trumped-up allegations of stealing a bracelet in Bogota.
Or the hosts provide too many shopping facilities and paparazzi opportunities for our WAGs, ensuring our boys lose focus. Foreign sounds don’t help either, as when Robert Green was possibly distracted by vuvuzelas in South Africa and let in that infamous howler against the USA in 2010.
Sadly, the introduction of goalline technology deprives us of the chance of another Frank Lampard ‘ghost goal’ against Germany. Although perhaps GCHQ might be able to find online proof of cyber hacking leading to a Danny Welbeck ‘goal’ being wrongly adjudged not to have crossed the line.
A ridiculous sending off is our other favoured excuse. We’d have won the 1998 World Cup were it not for David Beckham’s petulant backheel against Argentina. With Wayne Rooney in our side there’s always the chance another red card and winking opponent like Ronaldo, as was the case in 2006, might fuel our sense of injustice in 2014.
If all else fails, blame it on the weather. High altitude was a fine excuse for failure in Mexico 1970 while Brazil will be just too sunny for the lads, as was Japan and South Korea in 2002. We’ll stand no chance in the melting pot of Qatar in 2022. The only thing we’re not prepared for is a penalty shoot-out win in the Final against Germany, with Joe Hart saving from Ozil and Gerrard scoring the winning spot-kick with a toe-poke. There would be no excuse for that.