So, Chelsea’s Fernando Torres escaped FA punishment for scratching Jan Vertonghen’s face, possibly on the grounds that he looked more like a man inspecting his opponent’s cheeks for signs of acne. Oh for the days when footballers simply got into trouble for proper fighting. Check out the YouTube footage of Francis Lee versus Norman Hunter in the 1970s and you’ll see a real alehouse brawl. These days it’s all scratching and biting, the sort of thing that gets kids put on the naughty step at nursery.
King of the underhand assault has to be Luis Suarez, of course, who tried to tuck into Branislav Ivanovic’s arm with a bite, hoping the referee wouldn’t notice the fact that Chelsea had a one-armed centre back. Though Jermain Defoe was also yellow-carded for biting at Tottenham a few years ago when he sunk his molars into West Ham’s Javier Mascherano in 2006.
Spitting used to be the sneakiest trick in football, such as the time Bolton’s El-Hadji Diouf was banned for spitting at Pompey’s Arjan de Zeeuw in 2004. Though getting grabbed by the goolies is surely worse, as Croatia’s Robert Jarni can testify. In a 1999 European Championship qualifier, Jarni accused Serbia’s Zoran Mirkovic of play-acting as he lay writhing on the ground. Mirkovic (even his name sounds villainous) didn’t take kindly to this, so he squeezed Jarni’s meat and two veg, earning a red card for going after the ball rather than the man.
Another dastardly trick was seen in Argentina in February this year, when Arsenal de Sarandí’s Pablo Lugüercio was sent off for punching Unión de Santa Fe defender Emanuel Britez, after the defender had attempted to stick a finger up the striker’s bottom. Definitely a below-the-belt tactic.
Perhaps our top players might learn a trick from the Portsmouth Sunday league, where Levi Foster of AFC GOP, having eaten a curry the previous night, was booked for farting in the referee’s face as the ref inspected his boots in 2009. Breaking wind is surely the perfect crime for the modern Premier League player, undetectable by the TV cameras but liable to leave your marker incapacitated. If Torres or Suarez are spotted out for a vindaloo on the eve of a match then their opponents should be very worried indeed.