Author Archives: Warren Kingsley

The media might be obsessed about the form of Joe Hart – a great keeper who sadly resembled a man trying to swat flies against Bayern Munich and let in a soft goal against Scotland — but England has a long and noble history of goalkeeping nightmares. Would it really be England if we went into any crucial match without a goalkeeping crisis?

The greatest goalkeeping disaster was Gordon Banks going down with food poisoning in the 1970 World Cup on the eve of the quarter final against West Germany. To this day there are fans that insist it was a conspiracy orchestrated by shadowy men in black standing on a grassy knoll. In came Chelsea’s Peter Bonetti and England lost 3-2 after being 2-0 up. Bonetti took the flak for letting a tame Beckenbauer shot through his hands and being caught out by Seeler’s back-header and Muller’s extra-time winner.

Even the great Peter Shilton was at fault when it mattered in 1973, letting Domarski’s shot slip through his hands as Poland drew 1-1 at Wembley and England failed to qualify for the 1974 World Cup.

And who could forget Ronaldinho’s long-range free-kick sailing over the pony-tailed head of David Seaman in the 2002 World Cup? Seaman could only gaze skywards like a man watching a solar eclipse before some furious but futile back peddling.

Then we have Paul Robinson performing a superb air-kick as Gary Neville’s back pass hit a divot and rolled past him into the net against Croatia in a 2006 Euro Qualifier. “Whoops, it’s down to you misses Robinson,” was the Sun’s memorable headline.

Steve McLaren’s last act was to select Scott Carson for his first competitive England game in the crucial Euro qualifier against Croatia at Wembley in 2007. Almost inevitably he let a 30-yard strike from Kranjcar squirm through his hands, half scooping the ball into the net himself.

West Ham’s Robert Green produced one of England’s greatest bloopers against the USA in the 2010 World Cup. Clint Demsey’s hopeful shot was more of a backpass. Green got both hands on the ball but somehow it bounced up off his gloves and dribbled over the line. He grasped hopelessly after the ball and as it nestled in the net the hapless keeper lay with his head and hands on the turf and his bottom in the air. Soon jokes were all over the net, such as, “my computer’s got the Robert Green virus – it can’t save anything” and “Robert Green – a joke even Americans can understand”.

Yes, keepers for England are always one slip away from being a butterfingered buffoon. Perhaps Fraser Forster and John Ruddy should be relieved men if Hodgson sticks with Hart.

So, Chelsea’s Fernando Torres escaped FA punishment for scratching Jan Vertonghen’s face, possibly on the grounds that he looked more like a man inspecting his opponent’s cheeks for signs of acne. Oh for the days when footballers simply got into trouble for proper fighting. Check out the YouTube footage of Francis Lee versus Norman Hunter in the 1970s and you’ll see a real alehouse brawl. These days it’s all scratching and biting, the sort of thing that gets kids put on the naughty step at nursery.

King of the underhand assault has to be Luis Suarez, of course, who tried to tuck into Branislav Ivanovic’s arm with a bite, hoping the referee wouldn’t notice the fact that Chelsea had a one-armed centre back. Though Jermain Defoe was also yellow-carded for biting at Tottenham a few years ago when he sunk his molars into West Ham’s Javier Mascherano in 2006.

Spitting used to be the sneakiest trick in football, such as the time Bolton’s El-Hadji Diouf was banned for spitting at Pompey’s Arjan de Zeeuw in 2004. Though getting grabbed by the goolies is surely worse, as Croatia’s Robert Jarni can testify. In a 1999 European Championship qualifier, Jarni accused Serbia’s Zoran Mirkovic of play-acting as he lay writhing on the ground. Mirkovic (even his name sounds villainous) didn’t take kindly to this, so he squeezed Jarni’s meat and two veg, earning a red card for going after the ball rather than the man.

Another dastardly trick was seen in Argentina in February this year, when Arsenal de Sarandí’s Pablo Lugüercio was sent off for punching Unión de Santa Fe defender Emanuel Britez, after the defender had attempted to stick a finger up the striker’s bottom. Definitely a below-the-belt tactic.

Perhaps our top players might learn a trick from the Portsmouth Sunday league, where Levi Foster of AFC GOP, having eaten a curry the previous night, was booked for farting in the referee’s face as the ref inspected his boots in 2009. Breaking wind is surely the perfect crime for the modern Premier League player, undetectable by the TV cameras but liable to leave your marker incapacitated. If Torres or Suarez are spotted out for a vindaloo on the eve of a match then their opponents should be very worried indeed.