Author Archives: Warren Kingsley

Ah, there’s nothing like grumpy old men fighting in the technical area to get the fans’ pulses racing.

Newcastle’s Alan Pardew has escaped punishment after calling Manchester City’s Manuel Pellegrini a “f**king old c**t”, as you do.

Here are my personal top five gaffer bust-ups:

5. Wenger vs Pardew

 

Marlon Harewood scored a late winner for West Ham against Arsenal in 2006 and it all got a bit heated in the gaffer zone.

 

Pards, the under pressure West Ham manager, does several fist-pumps in the manner of Bruce Forsyth right in front of Wenger. Wenger loses his intellectual mask, pushes Pardew and goes for Pards in the manner of a geezer on the Holloway Road shouting “Oi! Are you eyeing up my bird?”

 

Wenger is held back by the Fourth Official. After the game, Pardew offers his hand but Wenger folds his arms in defiance and Pat Rice follows Wenger’s example by withdrawing his hand too.

4. Ferguson vs Mancini

 

With Man City on course to beat United and make a late charge to win the League in 2012, Mancini unwisely made a gesture with his hands suggesting that Ferguson talks too much after he’d complained about a De Jong foul.

 

The 69-year-old Fergie, black jumper zipped up to his eyeballs, clenched his fists and confronted Mancini in the manner of a Glaswegian bouncer dealing with a chancer at the back of the queue.

 

The pair were held apart by the Fourth Official and David Platt. Note the aggressive way Ferguson pushes his glasses up his nose at the end of the confrontation. Despite the age gap, you’d expect Fergie to win this one on points.

3. Mourinho vs Vilanova

 

In the 2011 final of the Spanish Supercopa, an ugly foul on Barcelona’s Fabregas resulted in Real Madrid’s Marcelo being red-carded.

 

A massive brawl ensues with both sets of players and officials in a melee by the dugouts. Real gaffer Jose Mourinho uses the confusion to edge round the blind side of the fight and like a sneaky schoolboy poke his Special finger into the eye of Barcelona’s assistant boss Tito Vilanova.

 

He walked away a picture of innocence. After the game, Jose, keen to calm the situation, declares that he does not know ‘Pito’ Vilanova. Pito is Spanish for penis.

2. Warnock vs Downes

 

Sheffield United’s Keith Gillespie was sent off for elbowing Stephen Hunt ten seconds after coming on in a game at Reading in 2006-07.

 

Angry United gaffer and professional irritant Neil Warnock made an exaggerated kicking gesture on the touchline. Is he saying his players have been kicked or that his players should get revenge?

 

Reading coach Wally Downes decided it’s the latter. He might have been a big man who’s out of condition, but Wally rushes over to push Warnock while he’s having an isotonic sports drink. Some 20 or so players, officials and stewards then have a splendid hold-me-back shoving match as Warnock and Downes are both sent off.

1. Pardew vs Pellegrini

Which brings us right up to date…

 

Pardew approaches Pellegrini with a wagging finger in the manner of a South Londoner who has just had his motor’s paintwork scratched.

 

The Fourth Official cowers between the two as John Carver adopts a Denis Waterman in Minder posture to back Pards up. Pardew turns away dismissively and offers a final riposte of “f••king old c••t”.  Pards later explains: “In the heat of the moment we had words as we managers always have.”

 

The Newcastle gaffer quite correctly apologised: Manuel is not that old, being a mere 60 as opposed to Pards’ 52.

When Tim Howard shaved his mega-beard off, one Twitter user joked that he no longer looked like Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses.

They say that goalkeepers should make themselves look big and Tim’s massive beard must have doubled his size in the eyes of opposing strikers. Any shot that passed his arms would never get through that facial matting. Beards are definitely back this season, so in honour of Tim Howard’s late grizzly mask, here are my top 9 hairy-chinned footballing folk.

9. Alvaro Negredo

With his swarthy beard, Manchester City’s Alvaro looks like he should be a gunslinger riding a horse in a spaghetti western or perhaps playing the part of a hitman in a Quentin Tarantino film. He was probably paid to take out the Tottenham defence one by one. Already nicknamed ‘The Beast’, Negredo looks even more animalistic as his beard grows longer. Probably has a holster under his shorts.

8. Andre Schurrle

The Chelsea midfielder has opted for a wispy blonde beard, regularly trimmed, which he no doubt hopes makes him look like an intellectual. Though in reality, with his blonde quiff and light beard he looks rather like a German anti-nuclear protester.

7. Dani Osvaldo

Has gone for the authentic Three Musketeer look with his flowing black hair, ponytail and Cavalier-style beard. When the Southampton striker scored that brilliant goal against Manchester City it would have been no surprise to see him finish it off by running through Vincent Kompany with his sword.

6. Andy Carroll

West Ham’s Carroll might have been injured all season, but he’s put his time to good use by growing a mighty black beard. So much so, that when Russell Brand visited the Hammers’ dressing room it was hard to tell them apart. Should Carroll’s injury problems continue, he might well have a great career in stand-up ahead of him.

5. Robert Snodgrass

When Norwich’s Snodgrass scored a brilliant free kick against West Ham, he ran to the cameras exposing a full and bushy red beard that would not have been out of place in a band of 1970s Celtic folk rockers. Probably takes an acoustic guitar on away trips.

4. Andre Villas Boas

AVB favours a trimmed Euro-beard that, accompanied by his suit and Mac, makes him resemble a 1980s sociology lecturer at a struggling polytechnic. That red beard gives him the authority to talk about methodology and projects, while his ex-Tottenham players wonder what the hell he’s on about.

3. Andrea Pirlo

The Juventus playmaker sports a magnificent black bushy beard and now resembles a 50-year-old Italian pig farmer in an arthouse movie. No attempt at trimming, this is a proper man’s beard. Pirlo looks like he dines on red wine and truffles before entering the field of play.

 

2. Roy Keane

Upon retiring from playing, Keane gave vent to a frightening outpouring of full facial hair. What was really scary, however, were the flecks of grey on his black-bearded chin, giving him the air of a despotic King. This was not just the beard of a Man United hardman, but a grizzled hardman who had spent a lifetime eating up Arsenal midfielders.

1. Alexei Lalas

One of the greatest beards in the history of the game. If the United States centre back’s ginger beard had got any longer, then he might have joined ZZ Top. Accompanied by long red hair and a headband, he looked like a man destined for a part in either Spinal Tap or The Hobbit.

So, what exactly made Hull City owner Assem Allam decide that he wanted to change the club’s name to Hull Tigers? Is it all to do with corporate rebranding and making the Premier League more US-sounding, so we have the equivalent of the Chicago Bears on the Humber? Or could it just be that he’s a big kid at heart and loves the club’s cuddly mascot Rory the Tiger?

With Hull City playing at Arsenal on Wednesday, whose mascot is the Gunnersaurus Rex, it might be more fun if the game was rebranded as Gunnersaurus Rex versus the Tigers. It’s got a pleasing hint of World Wrestling Entertainment meets Jurassic Park to it and would certainly appeal to a global TV audience. The Gunnersaurus is an interesting character in his own right, having once refused to shake John Terry’s hand and could probably give more illuminating post-match roars than some players.

If we pursue Mr Allam’s precedent, a typical Premier League weekend might end up with results like: Cyril the Swan 3 Monty Magpie 1; Chirpy Cockerel 1 Stamford the Lion 1; Pottermus 1 Baggie Bird 0; Billy the Badger 2 Captain Canary 1; Hercules the Lion 2 Hammerhead 2, and so on.

In the Championship, Burnley’s mascot Bertie the Bee recently made headlines when he was sent off for offering his glasses to the referee’s assistant in a match against QPR. A local der-bee would occur when Bertie the Bee took on Brentford’s Buzz Bee or possibly even Watford’s Harry the Hornet or Barnet’s Mr Bumble.

Crystal Palace versus Brighton would be Eagles versus Seagulls, or to use the official mascot names, it might end up with a score of Pete The Eagle 1 Gully the Seagull 1. Imagine Charlotte Green reading out the score “Donny the Dog 3 Scunny the Bunny 2” for a match between the clubs formerly known as Doncaster Rovers and Scunthorpe United. While The City Gent at Bradford could take on Mr Posh at Peterborough.

Admittedly, the league might soon start to sound like it was compiled by a kindergarten teacher, but it would certainly attract a younger demographic with all those tigers, lions, bunnies and bees, not to mention Terry the Terrier at Huddersfield, H’Angus the Monkey at Hartlepool and the Devilish Fred the Red at Man United.

Assem Allam’s Tiger feat at Hull has been much misunderstood so let’s not give him too much of a mauling. He is a visionary whose time has come – let’s liven up football with a bunch of animals.

Mathieu Flamini has been in trouble with Arsene Wenger for taking a pair of scissors to his Arsenal shirt and cutting off the sleeves. A football kit is meant to be a standard uniform, but modifying your kit is one of the few ways a player can express his individuality. And you’d be surprised what tricks they get up to…

7. Eric Cantona

 

King Eric was never going to tolerate looking like any other player. He modified his Man United kit by turning up his collar in the fashion of James Dean, making him look like a rebel in search of a chance. Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock famously turned down Cantona’s collar. The upturned collar was particularly effective with his ‘well, what else do you expect from a Gallic genius like me?’ shrug-come-goal celebration.

6. Thierry Henry

 

The Arsenal goal machine always played with his socks pulled up over his knees, becoming the first player to play in what appeared to be white stockings. Opposition fans said Henry looked like a schoolgirl, though these days it might be more Grayson Perry. It didn’t do his goalscoring record much harm though.

5. Sam Ricketts

 

The Wolves full back would rip holes in the top of his socks, “because the socks always seemed tight on my legs and made them feel heavy and tired. So it became a bit of a ritual.” With Bolton and then Hull City, Ricketts became the first Premier League footballer to look like his kit had been attacked by moths.

4. Benoit Assou-Ekotu

 

While at Spurs Assou-Ekotu was spotted playing in odd boots, one blue and one white. One of his boots had split, and as he didn’t have a sponsor, Assou-Ekotu said he wasn’t going to waste the good boot, so teamed it up with one of a different colour. Odd boots were also spotted on striker Steve Claridge, who played for just about everyone, usually with his socks rolled down.

3. Paolo di Canio

 

The maverick Italian would wear shorts that were a size too small and sometimes even wear his shorts back to front. Was it to emphasise his manhood? No, Di Canio claimed the tight shorts were to stop players pulling at his kit as he dribbled past them.

2. Julian Dicks

 

When West Ham played in wide collars in the 1990s Dicks would rip the collars off at the start of games to appear well hard and intimidate opposition wingers. If he did that to his shirt, what might he do to them?

1. Johan Cruyff

The great Netherlands side of the 1974 World Cup played with three black stripes on their sleeves representing sponsors Adidas. Individual genius and awkward so and so Johan Cruyff insisted on playing with just two stripes though, as he was sponsored by rivals Puma.

So, West Brom have received an apology from the chief of referees, Mike Riley, for the controversial late penalty that robbed them of a win at Chelsea, but shouldn’t referees apologise more often?

Any ref who ever booked a player for celebrating a goal by removing his shirt should crave our forgiveness. Howard Webb should certainly say sorry for having a bald head and trying to look cool and hard, when all referees should look like frustrated bus ticket inspectors. And there’s a few other things they should apologise for.

Here’s my personal top five.

5. Frank Lampard’s Ghost Goal Against Germany

 

Lampard smashed a screamer of a shot against the German bar in the 2010 World Cup game in South Africa. The ball bounced down off the bar and so far across the line that it was almost in Namibia. Strangely, it remained unseen by Uruguayan referee Jorge Larrionda, only 15 yards from play, and his assistants.

All of them should send written apologies to the FA and to their optometrists. Lampard’s goal would have made it 2-2 and had England won, it might have been Sir Francis Lampard married to Kate Middleton by now.

4. Clive Thomas Disallowing Zico’s Goal

 

Welsh referee Clive Thomas confirmed that all referees are killjoys at heart when he blew the whistle for full-time between a corner being taken and Zico scoring with a header in a 1978 World Cup match between Sweden and Brazil. The ball must have taken all of a second to travel from the corner spot to Zico.

Thomas was technically in the right, but then so are most traffic wardens. That jobsworth spirit lives on among the men in black, as in the case of Dougie Smith, who booked Gazza for humorously waving a yellow card that he had dropped at him.

3. Thierry Henry’s Handball Against Ireland

 

The 2009 World Cup qualifier play-off between Ireland and France was into extra time when a Malouda free kick reached Thierry Henry at the back post. Henry controlled it twice with his hand, patting the ball like a basketball player, before crossing for Gallas to score.

All that was missing was Thierry spinning the ball on his finger and putting it through Richard Dunne’s legs. Every Irish player spotted it, but Swedish referee Martin Hansson and his team missed it completely and France went through to the World Cup finals.

2. Fergie-time Steve Bruce Goal

 

In 1993, Steve Bruce scored against Sheffield Wednesday in the sixth minute of Fergie-time to effectively win the title for Man United. John Hilditch started the game as a linesman, but had to replace the injured referee Mike Peck. It was Hilditch who awarded seven minutes of injury time, allowing Bruce to steer home Pallister’s deflected cross with a thumping header and end 26 years of hurt for United.

As Wednesday manager Trevor Francis quipped, it was scored ‘in the second leg’. Had Hilditch and his team been just a little less generous, we would have been spared all those endless replays of Fergie jumping up and down and Brian Kidd running onto the pitch and falling to his knees. Not to mention twenty years of gloating from diehard United fans in Cornwall.

1. Maradona’s Hand of God

 

When the ball looped into the air off Steve Hodge’s thigh, it was a straight challenge between England keeper Shilton and Maradona in the 1986 World Cup quarter-final. The Argentina captain plainly punched the ball into the net, but somehow convinced Tunisian referee Ali Bin Nasse that he had headed it. Not even the fact that Shilton is about ten feet tall and Maradona is severely vertically challenged could convince him otherwise.

Shilton running out of goal with his arm in the air and pointing to his hand didn’t help him either. The ref should have booked Maradona for deliberate handball, but then compounded his error by failing to disallow Maradona’s second ‘goal of the century’ on the grounds that he beat too many England defenders. Apologies please for making Maradona a hero in Scotland and allowing Maradona to coin the phrase ‘Hand of God’.

Did Arsenal lose at Manchester United because Arsene Wenger chose to wear his infamous padded-coat? The last time Arsene wore the puffer jacket — which looks more like a multi-person sleeping bag – was back in March, during Arsenal’s previous away defeat against Spurs. Yet, Arsenal’s great start to the season coincided with Wenger wearing a dark suit. In the ‘Invincibles’ campaign of 2003-04, his coat stopped above the knee. So, could the lengthy puffer be to blame? Wenger dodged questions on twitter asking when he would get a “top top quality coat” by replying “haha”.

A gaffer’s coat can set the tone for his entire tenure. Jose Mourinho became famous at Porto for running down the Old Trafford touchline in a too-large black overcoat. Arriving at Chelsea in 2004 Jose’s Armani grey trench-coat marked him out as a man of continental sophistication in a Premier League, that could only offer Paul Jewell’s market-trader leather coat. Jose’s grey coat was auctioned for charity, while a later black Mac has ended up in the Chelsea museum.

Early on, Sir Alex Ferguson had an unseemly flirtation with puffer jackets, but in his latter days adopted a black Crombie worn over a black jumper zipped tightly up to his neck, giving the impression of a surly Glaswegian bouncer who would bar the referee from his nightclub if he didn’t indicate seven minutes of additional Fergie-time.

At the other end of the scale, Andre Villas-Boas was sacked at Chelsea because crouching on the touchline in a tightly belted Mac made him look too much like Frank Spencer from Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em.

By wearing a black overcoat at Chelsea, Portsmouth and West Ham, Avram Grant soon started to resemble an undertaker. While Sunderland fans must be thankful that they never saw winter arrive under Paolo Di Canio, as he might have worn the buttock-skirting green car coat he favoured at Swindon.

Which brings us back to the great Wenger coat debate. The big fear is that the more seasons Arsenal go trophy-less, the longer Wenger’s winter coat gets. Some Gunners’ fans have suggested Arsene alternates coats to confuse the opposition, veering from parka to velvet smoking jacket. But with all those Germans in the side, perhaps he needs something more Teutonic, such as the hooded Breaking Bad-style black coat Jurgen Klopp wore in the rain as Arsenal won at Borussia Dortmund.

There must be better uses for Wenger’s old puffer jacket. Why not donate it to charity? — all that material could provide emergency accommodation for every homeless person in the UK this Christmas.

“I think I’m the bad cop and Roy is the bad bad cop,” joked Ireland gaffer Martin O’Neill on the unlikely appointment of Roy Keane as his assistant. Is it going to be Laurel and Hardy style-cops or something more like an Irish version of The Sweeney? O’Neill and Keane would certainly make worthy successors to Jack Regan and George Carter, ties undone, instant coffee by their sides, propping open their mincers with a pair of matchsticks after an all-night stake-out and muttering to a lowlife suspect, “put your trousers on son, you’re dropped!”

The choice of Keane as number two is unusual, because the assistant gaffer is normally the bloke who puts an arm round players after they’ve been bollocked by the boss. Keane is more likely to provide a metaphorical knee in the groin to anyone having a bad game.
Brian Clough had Peter Taylor as his partner because he made him laugh and could lighten the atmosphere in the dressing room, as well as having a great eye for signings. Keane wasn’t exactly known for his banter as boss at Sunderland and Ipswich.

After turning his hairdryer on the BBC, Sir Alex Ferguson employed his number twos mainly to give bland interviews on Match of the Day. Think Mike Phelan, who reminded the viewer of Mr Barrowclough on Porridge saying how well the chaps played.

Harry Redknapp hired his brother-in-law Frank Lampard as his assistant at West Ham, which must have saved a good deal on Christmas card stamps.

The other traditional function of the assistant manager is to always agree with the gaffer. The ultimate yes man was Phil Neal, assistant to England’s Graham Taylor, and now notorious for his “yes, boss” punchline and endless repeating of phrases (”We’ll have to get Wrighty on now,” says Taylor. “We’ll give Wrighty a go,” parrots Neal). Neal even mirrors Taylor’s body language and the pair’s sychronised arm crossing still makes wonderful viewing on the Do I Not Like That documentary.

Will Roy Keane meekly say, “Yes boss” every time Martin O’Neill makes a tactical point? Or will the mist of his Saipan mutiny return to ensure a conflagration. Still, at least he’s not assistant to Mick McCarthy — now that would be interesting.

So Jose wants to touch his people and goes a bit nuts, leaping into the crowd after Torres’s late winner against Manchester City. He claims he wanted to celebrate with his son Jose Mario Junior (egotistical, moi?) who is 14 and now has a Chelsea season ticket behind the dugout. Or was Jose just trying to reserve a seat for the next time he’s sent off? Sadly, Mourinho Senior never made it to Jose Junior. He leapt into the stand like Superman, only to be impeded by man hugs from an amorous bloke in a purple t-shirt. Mourinho has form for this, having celebrated Porto’s Champions League defeat of Man United with that famous run down the touchline in his black overcoat.

Even the greatest gaffers can go effing mental. When Steve Bruce scored in Fergie-time for Man United against Sheffield Wednesday in 1993, United won the title after a gap of 26 years. Fergie reacted by dancing on the touchline like a drunken Scottish uncle over-celebrating at a Highland ceilidh while Brian Kidd fell to his knees, arms aloft and did a Basil Fawlty on the grass.

The best managerial celebrations are when the gaffer makes a complete idiot of himself. Paolo Di Canio celebrated a Sunderland goal at Newcastle with a crazy knee-slide, ripping the trousers of his suit in the process. Though the fact he was wearing a designer suit rather ruined the effect, as naff gear adds hugely to a gaffer going bonkers.

The daddy of them all is David Pleat, of course, who in 1983 celebrated Luton staying up at Man City by skipping across the pitch in a beige suit accessorised with white socks and hush puppies. Not far behind is Bob Stokoe, who reacted to Sunderland winning the FA Cup in 1973 by running across the pitch in a Colombo Mac and trilby, bizarrely worn over a tight red tracksuit, back in the days when bosses dressed as if they’d just found some fantastic bargains at the Oxfam shop.

A spot of dad dancing helps too. Ian Holloway did a gnomic jig as Palace beat Sunderland this season while Alan Pardew celebrated West Ham scoring in the 2006 FA Cup semi-final against Middlesbrough with a disco shuffle of his hips — the sort of thing that is usually only seen at weddings after eight hours of boozing. Even Roy Hodgson got caught out, celebrating Stevie Gerrard’s goal against Poland with a Pleat-esque hop on to the pitch with both fists raised above his head.

The thing with Jose though, is you never know how much is a pre-planned part of his ‘methodology’. It was noticeable during Mourinho’s celebration that his stylish scarf remained in place. He’s still got some things to learn about the English game. Next time Jose, please wear a too-tight beige suit and imagine you’re dancing to he Chicken Song or Agadoo at a wedding reception and you’ll be closer to the standard required…

WARREN’S TOP FIVE MANAGERS GOING BONKERS:

David Pleat: Manchester City v Luton 1983
Bob Stokoe: Sunderland v Leeds 1973
Alex Ferguson and Brian Kidd: Man United v Sheffield Wednesday 1993
Jose Mourinho: Man United v Porto 2004
Paolo Di Canio: Newcastle v Sunderland 2013

“His eyes started to narrow, almost to wee black beans…” Might Sir Alex Ferguson have a future as a writer of horror novels? His description of Roy Keane laying into his teammates wouldn’t be out of place beginning a Stephen King thriller. “It was frightening to watch. And I’m from Glasgow, “ added Sir Alex.

Is there anyone in football more scary than Roy Keane? He’s still terrifying, even as a pundit. Adrian Chiles has the air of a man constantly expecting a dead leg from the former midfield enforcer as he tries to placate black-eyed Roy. And you can bet Lee Dixon rushes out to get Roy his half-time tea laden with extra sugar.

Keane is infamous for walking out on Mick McCarthy with Ireland, eyeballing Patrick Vieira in the Highbury tunnel, leaving bits of Alf Inge Haaland all over the Old Trafford pitch and as boss of Ipswich, berating a hapless journalist whose phone went off in his press conference.

Are there any modern players who could match Roy for steely menace? Luis Suarez is sneaky rather than terrifying. If Roy Keane bit a defender they’d have no arm left. One time ‘hard-man’ Robbie Savage went on Strictly Come Dancing. Flamini is too French. Joey Barton speaks French and quotes philosophy. Fellaini has silly hair. Yaya Toure looks strong and athletic without any hint of latent aggression. Lee Cattermole might have fallen out with Paolo Di Canio, but never in the explosive manner of Keane and McCarthy. Only Dickie Miller at Brainsford is keeping the flame alight and he’s just too short. Even Robert Huth is trying to play cultured football at Stoke.

We’ll surely never see anyone as terrifying as Keane again. He’s too scary to make it as a manager, but with those black eyes he might have a future in film. After all, Vinny Jones, a pussycat by comparison, managed to crack Hollywood. Jack Nicholson is retiring and Roy would be surely be a shoe-in for any remake of The Shining.

After beating Poland we’ll all allow ourselves a few hours of thinking Stevie Gerrard’s England can win the World Cup. Then we can get back to the sensible business of preparing our excuses for failing to beat Costa Rica or Iran in Brazil.

Injury is the first refuge of the England fan. We’d obviously have won the 2002 World Cup were it not for David Beckham’s iffy toe, so we need a similar scare about, say, Andros Townsend’s metatarsal. In a striker crisis the whole nation might be left sweating on Andy Carroll’s plantar fascia, an injury to the heel more commonly associated with ballet dancers. Or perhaps a cruel tear in Wayne Rooney’s headband might lead to him missing a crucial chance in the quarter-finals.

Losing in a penalty shoot-out provides another readily available excuse, as we all know they are a lottery and you can’t practice for them or replicate a big-match situation. Unless you are the Germans of course, who cheat by employing statisticians analysing the laws of probability and then keep their equivalent of Gareth Southgate well away from the spot.
Playing the World Cup abroad is another dastardly FIFA trick, because “it’s like being in a foreign country” as Ian Rush once observed of Italy. Foreign food is always a good scapegoat, such as the time when Gordon Banks went down with food poisoning in the 1970 Mexico World Cup. While at the same World Cup Mexican police arrested Bobby Moore on trumped-up allegations of stealing a bracelet in Bogota.

Or the hosts provide too many shopping facilities and paparazzi opportunities for our WAGs, ensuring our boys lose focus. Foreign sounds don’t help either, as when Robert Green was possibly distracted by vuvuzelas in South Africa and let in that infamous howler against the USA in 2010.

Sadly, the introduction of goalline technology deprives us of the chance of another Frank Lampard ‘ghost goal’ against Germany. Although perhaps GCHQ might be able to find online proof of cyber hacking leading to a Danny Welbeck ‘goal’ being wrongly adjudged not to have crossed the line.

A ridiculous sending off is our other favoured excuse. We’d have won the 1998 World Cup were it not for David Beckham’s petulant backheel against Argentina. With Wayne Rooney in our side there’s always the chance another red card and winking opponent like Ronaldo, as was the case in 2006, might fuel our sense of injustice in 2014.

If all else fails, blame it on the weather. High altitude was a fine excuse for failure in Mexico 1970 while Brazil will be just too sunny for the lads, as was Japan and South Korea in 2002. We’ll stand no chance in the melting pot of Qatar in 2022. The only thing we’re not prepared for is a penalty shoot-out win in the Final against Germany, with Joe Hart saving from Ozil and Gerrard scoring the winning spot-kick with a toe-poke. There would be no excuse for that.