Author Archives: Warren Kingsley

ITV’s Clive Tyldesley does the double on Tues, 22 April – first commentates on Chelsea match; then breaks into acting, playing himself in Warren United

First he commentates on Chelsea’s UEFA Champions League Semi-Final on ITV; then on a vital Brainsford Utd match in Warren United on ITV4

 

Clive Tyldesley, ITV’s main football commentator, will be putting in a double shift tomorrow night, Tuesday 22nd April – first providing ITV’s live commentary on Chelsea’s Champions League semi-final against Atletico Madrid, then switching sides to make his acting debut in Warren United, a new animated sitcom that kicks off straight afterwards on ITV4.

 

Tyldesley will play an unnamed commentator who sounds uncannily like… Clive Tyldesley, in Warren United, a new animated sitcom about family, football and the passion of being a fan.

 

 

Straight after commentating on Chelsea’s match in Madrid, Tyldesley will switch channels to commentate on a vital relegation match for the fictional Brainsford United, in the opening episode of Warren United (www.warrenunited.net).

 

Tyldesley will feature in five of the show’s six episodes but makes his debut by immortalising Brainsford’s miraculous escape from relegation on goal difference through an opposition own goal in the sixth minute of added time.

 

“The commentaries on Warren United are hopefully just an ever so slightly exaggerated version of me”, says Tyldesley. “I guess commentators spend much of their broadcasting lives in danger of parodying themselves; so, I didn’t want to get too precious about stepping over the line into actually doing so.”

 

Warren United is co-written by Simon Nye, whose many previous credits include Men Behaving Badly, and fellow top writers, David Quantick and Dominic Holland. It’s co-produced by Baby Cow, the company behind Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa, Gavin and Stacey, Mighty Boosh and Uncle.

 

It follows the fortunes of Warren Kingsley, an overweight kitchen salesman and fervent football fan, as he stumbles through life trying to juggle his two passions – football and family.

 

Warren, aged 37 and ½, is a fan for all seasons and a bloke of two halves: both a devoted husband and dad and a diehard fan of Brainsford United, a chronically struggling club, known to its long-suffering fans as “The Meringues”.

 

While Tyldesley is not afraid of performing a slightly exaggerated version of himself, he has been careful not to ham things up too much. “If I tried to sound like Alan Partridge or some manic Brazilian broadcaster, the ‘performance’ of the commentator would start to detract from the plot of the show itself – the more conventional the sound of the commentary, the better.”

 

The ITV man also had an input in editing his dialogue on Warren United. “There’s an assumption that commentators talk only in clichés about ‘bursting onion bags’ and ‘leaping like salmons’, when no employable commentator would ever use such phrases’, he says.

 

“I wanted to convince executive producer Bill Freedman that the original script just needed toning down and ‘normalising’ here and there – and he bought into the most of the revisions straight away.”

 

Not that he’ll enjoy hearing himself: “It’s odd, but rather like someone watching a home movie for the first time, I dread the bits with me in them.”

 

Appearing in Warren United is not Tyldesley’s first acting role. “I also wrote and performed in university review at the Edinburgh Fringe back in the day, and would love to create time to write seriously… or seriously from my point of view, anyway. All broadcasters are performers – some better than others at fooling themselves to the contrary.”

 

•

 

Written by Simon Nye, David Quantick and Dominic Holland

Production company: Baby Cow, producers of Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa, Uncle, Gavin & Stacey, Mighty Boosh

Directed by Tim Searle (2DTV, Have I got News For You, I’m Not an Animal)

Produced by Jeremy Diamond and Denny Silverthorne

Co-production with leading Canadian animation house, Smiley Guy Studios

 

• Further information and photographs please contact:

Sophie Toumazis or Elizabeth Dunk at tpr media consultants: sophie@tpr-media.com /elizabeth@tpr-media.com: 020 8347 7020 or 07974 428858.

“I’d change my religion before my team”, say fans

Fans agree with Eric Cantona that: “You can change your wife, your politics, your religion… but never, never, can you change your favourite football team.”

Football fans are more likely to change their religion than the team they support, according to a national poll, published on the eve of Easter.

Three-quarters (74.9%) of football season-ticket holders would sooner change their religion than the team they follow, while only one in 10 (10.2%) feel the opposite, reveals a poll commissioned by the makers of Warren United (www.warrenunited.net), a new animated sitcom about a fervent fan of a chronically disappointing football team.

Even among less passionate fans, who attend only one or more games per season, well over half (55.6%) say they are more likely to change their religion than their team, while only 17.9% say the opposite – in a survey of 1201 fans conducted by the polling company TLF.

“We don’t actually know the religion of Warren in Warren United”, says Simon Nye, the show’s lead writer, whose many previous credits include the sitcom Men Behaving Badly. “He’s not really a religious bloke. But then his family would tell you that football IS his religion and Brainsford United his denomination and team.”

In our secular age, many have likened football to a substitute religion. Or, as Diego Maradona, the great Argentinian footballer put it, ““Football isn’t a game or a sport, it’s a religion”.

So, attending matches is a form of group devotion, which brings life meaning, while the football calendar brings it shape. There’s even communal singing in the form of football chants, and a faithful flock prone to messianic hopes on the coming of every new manager or star signing.

No wonder that Pier Paulo Pasolini, the Italian film director, declared that, “Football is the last sacred ritual of our time”.

“Warren in Warren United is definitely one of the long-suffering faithful”, says Simon Nye.

Anthony Clavane, the author of Does Your Rabbi Know You’re Here?, a recent book on Jews and football, says that when his rabbi bumped into Don Revie, the great manager of Leeds United, at a Jewish wedding, the rabbi told Revie that they shared the same congregation: the rabbi had them Saturday mornings, Revie Saturday afternoons.

“Soccer isn’t the same as Bach or Buddhism”, concedes Franklin Foer, American author of the book, How Soccer Explains the World. “But it is often more deeply felt than religion, and just as much a part of the community’s fabric, a repository of traditions.”

Songs of Praise, the most watched religious programme on British TV, these days attracts barely three million viewers. Even a routine weekly roundup of football highlights gets almost double that, while a big TV match can attract three or four times that number.

Let’s not forget, however, that religion played a formative role in the rise of football in this country. Up to a quarter of League teams in English and Welsh football have their origins in church sides, formed in the late 19th century era of “muscular Christianity”. They include Everton, Aston Villa, Fulham, Southampton, Bolton and Wolves. There are still Christian leagues today, while professional clubs nowadays have club chaplains.

Albert Camus, the French philosopher, claimed that, “Everything I know about morality and the obligations of men, I owe it to football”. But then Camus, like the late Pope John Paul, among other deep thinkers, was formerly a goalkeeper.

This all helps explain why the idea of switching football clubs seems to fans like… well, sacrilege. Fan loyalty rests far more on faith than reason; indeed, reason doesn’t come into it.

It was, however, Eric Cantona, the French footballer and occasional philosopher, who put it best when he observed, “You can change your wife, your politics, your religion… but never, never, can you change your favourite football team.”

 

•

 

• Further information and photographs please contact:
Sophie Toumazis or Elizabeth Dunk at tpr media consultants: sophie@tpr-media.com /elizabeth@tpr-media.com: 020 8347 7020

 

NOTES FOR EDITORS

Methodology:
Research carried out by The Leadership Factor Ltd using an online and nationwide panel of football fans who attend one or more professional games a season. 1201 such fans completed the survey, including 255 season ticket-holders. Panellists are recruited through social media, Google ad-words and affiliate programmes. Panellists are invited to complete online surveys in return for a small cash incentive. Panellists can choose to refuse / abort surveys at any time. 
YourSayPays is owned and managed by The Leadership Factor Ltd. The Leadership Factor Ltd are members of the MRS and adhere to the MRS Code of Conduct and Data Protection Act, and have ISO9001 for Quality and ISO27001 for Data Security. www.leadershipfactor.com

• Panelists were asked the following question:

Q. Do you agree/disagree with the following statement: “I am more likely to change my religion than the football team I support.”

Results:
• 56% (55.6%) of the 1201 fans polled and who attended even one game a season agreed with this statement, while only 17.9% disagreed.
• 74.9% of the 255 season ticket-holders among the larger group of 1201 fans agreed with this statement; only 10.2% disagreed.

 

Think you’ve got it bad? Find out how your team ranks in Fan Suffering League

“Long-Suffering Fan Index” ranks all 92 league clubs by how much their fans suffer – based on data from 220,000 results since 1888 birth of Football League 

Rochdale fans rank top, Man Utd’s bottom but how do your club’s fans rank? Find out by consulting the full Long-Suffering Fan Index table below 

 

The Long-Suffering Fan Index In Full, For All 92 League Clubs

See how your club ranks, in each of three different eras:

  1. Since 1888 – birth of The Football League – to now
  2. Since 1946 – start of the post-war era – to now
  3. Since 1882 – the start of the Premiership – to now
TABLE 1:
TABLE 2:
TABLE 3:
1888-2013
1946-2013
1992-2013
Index
Index
Index
1
Rochdale
66.12
1
Rochdale
80.38
1
Exeter City
78.09
2
Hartlepool United
64.72
2
Hartlepool United
78.65
2
Dagenham & Redbridge
76.32
3
Exeter City
64.08
3
Bury
77.71
3
Swindon Town
75.42
4
Newport County
63.53
4
Newport County
77.65
4
Oldham Athletic
75.00
5
Colchester United
63.39
5
Torquay Uniited
77.49
5
Mansfield Town
74.08
6
Southend United
63.12
6
Exeter City
77.08
6
York City
72.81
7
Torquay Uniited
62.96
7
Mansfield Town
76.77
7
Leyton Orient
71.27
8
Mansfield Town
62.90
8
Scunthorpe United
75.72
8
Hartlepool United
70.51
9
Leyton Orient
62.83
9
Colchester United
75.41
9
Bristol Rovers
70.35
10
AFC Wimbledon
62.45
10
York City
75.37
10
Reading
70.16
11
Port Vale
62.30
11
Crewe Alexandra
75.26
11
Sheffield Wednesday
69.44
12
York City
62.08
12
Chesterfield
74.89
12
Southampton
69.17
13
Scunthorpe United
61.92
13
Bradford City
74.01
13
Wolverhampton Wanderers
68.90
14
Crewe Alexandra
61.80
14
Brentford
73.95
14
Newport County
68.11
15
Bristol Rovers
61.61
15
Southend United
73.39
15
Cheltenham Town
67.98
16
Walsall
61.26
16
Shrewsbury Town
72.91
16
Bury
67.67
17
Morecambe
60.76
17
Northampton Town
72.82
17
Notts County
67.29
18
Burton Albion
60.63
18
Walsall
72.57
18
Carlisle United
67.26
19
Fleetwood Town
60.58
19
Tranmere Rovers
72.12
19
Brentford
67.26
20
Gillingham
60.54
20
AFC Wimbledon
71.82
20
Nottingham Forest
67.00
21
Chesterfield
60.49
21
Plymouth Argyle
71.15
21
Wycombe Wanderers
67.00
22
Bradford City
60.41
22
Leyton Orient
70.61
22
Rochdale
66.61
23
Bournemouth
60.26
23
Doncaster Rovers
70.38
23
Crawley Town
66.60
24
Carlisle United
60.17
24
Barnsley
69.50
24
Chesterfield
66.29
25
Bury
60.12
25
Carlisle United
69.46
25
Bradford City
65.42
26
Northampton Town
59.86
26
Port Vale
69.30
26
Southend United
64.92
27
Shrewsbury Town
59.62
27
Gillingham
69.05
27
Plymouth Argyle
64.80
28
Notts County
59.08
28
Burton Albion
68.30
28
Colchester United
64.27
29
Tranmere Rovers
59.02
29
Morecambe
68.29
29
Milton Keynes Dons
63.89
30
Milton Keynes Dons
58.81
30
Bristol Rovers
68.23
30
Bournemouth
63.81
31
Barnsley
58.62
31
Fleetwood Town
68.14
31
Accrington Stanley
63.54
32
Dagenham & Redbridge
58.51
32
Oldham Athletic
67.85
32
Oxford Uunited
62.91
33
Stevenage
58.42
33
Bournemouth
66.83
33
Morecambe
62.53
34
Doncaster Rovers
58.33
34
Notts County
65.81
34
Doncaster Rovers
62.44
35
Rotherham United
58.21
35
Hull City
65.55
35
Rotherham United
62.03
36
Bristol City
57.24
36
Charlton Athletic
64.71
36
AFC Wimbledon
61.97
37
Accrington Stanley
56.97
37
Swindon Town
64.55
37
Peterborough United
61.92
38
Oldham Athletic
56.95
38
Rotherham United
64.18
38
Tottenham Hotspur
61.49
39
Brentford
56.93
39
Milton Keynes Dons
64.07
39
Brighton & Hove Albion
61.08
40
Plymouth Argyle
56.78
40
Dagenham & Redbridge
64.01
40
Yeovil Town
60.75
41
Blackpool
56.28
41
Coventry City
63.96
41
Swansea City
60.44
42
Brighton & Hove Albion
54.92
42
Fulham
63.86
42
Hull City
59.96
43
Stoke City
54.72
43
Crawley Town
63.58
43
Bristol City
59.96
44
Hull City
54.42
44
Preston North End
63.57
44
Blackpool
59.77
45
Cheltenham Town
54.37
45
Swansea City
62.88
45
Tranmere Rovers
59.25
46
Wycombe Wanderers
54.04
46
Blackpool
62.79
46
Preston North End
59.15
47
Swindon Town
53.71
47
Portsmouth
62.56
47
Gillingham
58.84
48
Coventry City
52.97
48
Bristol City
62.35
48
Crewe Alexandra
57.92
49
Peterborough United
52.83
49
Huddersfield Town
61.93
49
Coventry City
57.50
50
Cardiff City
52.79
50
Watford
61.75
50
Portsmouth
56.80
51
Preston North End
52.73
51
Stevenage
61.40
51
Millwall
56.12
52
Reading
52.55
52
Cardiff City
60.92
52
Barnsley
56.04
53
Burnley
52.42
53
Oxford Uunited
60.74
53
Port Vale
55.65
54
Fulham
52.40
54
Millwall
60.36
54
Burton Albion
55.19
55
Nottingham Forest
52.38
55
Reading
60.33
55
Fleetwood Town
54.89
56
Swansea City
52.29
56
Brighton & Hove Albion
60.26
56
Huddersfield Town
54.41
57
Watford
51.42
57
Crystal Palace
59.66
57
Burnley
54.38
58
Middlesbrough
50.97
58
Stoke City
59.56
58
Sheffield United
54.21
59
Derby County
50.91
59
Sheffield United
58.99
59
Sunderland
53.99
60
Birmingham City
50.86
60
Sheffield Wednesday
58.27
60
West Ham United
53.59
61
Charlton Athletic
50.85
61
Middlesbrough
57.69
61
Scunthorpe United
53.50
62
Sheffield United
49.99
62
Accrington Stanley
57.69
62
Shrewsbury Town
51.52
63
Portsmouth
49.88
63
Peterborough United
57.67
63
Derby County
51.42
64
Queen’s Park Rangers
49.81
64
Wycombe Wanderers
57.40
64
Norwich City
51.10
65
Crystal Palace
49.13
65
Birmingham City
57.14
65
Cardiff City
51.02
66
Bolton Wanderers
48.98
66
Bolton Wanderers
56.94
66
Walsall
50.50
67
Blackburn Rovers
48.04
67
Queen’s Park Rangers
56.52
67
Queen’s Park Rangers
50.40
68
Norwich City
47.81
68
Derby County
55.23
68
Ipswich Town
50.31
69
Leicester City
47.51
69
Blackburn Rovers
55.15
69
Wigan Athletic
49.58
70
Millwall
47.41
70
Leicester City
54.24
70
Northampton Town
48.39
71
Huddersfield Town
47.32
71
Burnley
54.15
71
Leeds United
48.29
72
West Bromwich Albion
46.37
72
Southampton
53.29
72
Crystal Palace
48.14
73
Crawley Town
46.05
73
Norwich City
52.78
73
Charlton Athletic
48.10
74
Oxford Uunited
45.92
74
West Bromwich Albion
52.65
74
Middlesbrough
47.64
75
Wolverhampton Wanderers
45.55
75
Sunderland
51.67
75
Fulham
46.34
76
Southampton
45.21
76
Cheltenham Town
50.75
76
Birmingham City
45.85
77
Sheffield Wednesday
45.01
77
West Ham United
50.61
77
Stevenage
45.28
78
Yeovil Town
45.00
78
Ipswich Town
48.70
78
Blackburn Rovers
45.22
79
Wigan Athletic
44.78
79
Nottingham Forest
48.35
79
Leicester City
45.17
80
Sunderland
42.69
80
Leeds United
48.02
80
Watford
44.59
81
Ipswich Town
42.64
81
Wolverhampton Wanderers
46.28
81
Bolton Wanderers
44.58
82
West Ham United
41.93
82
Newcastle United
45.37
82
Everton
43.24
83
Newcastle United
41.27
83
Aston Villa
45.08
83
West Bromwich Albion
43.16
84
Manchester City
40.57
84
Everton
42.85
84
Aston Villa
42.13
85
Everton
39.28
85
Yeovil Town
41.84
85
Torquay Uniited
41.38
86
Leeds United
37.75
86
Wigan Athletic
40.68
86
Stoke City
40.52
87
Aston Villa
37.11
87
Manchester City
40.44
87
Manchester City
39.34
88
Tottenham Hotspur
32.44
88
Tottenham Hotspur
36.17
88
Newcastle United
37.87
89
Chelsea
31.46
89
Chelsea
33.48
89
Liverpool
32.13
90
Arsenal
30.22
90
Arsenal
30.99
90
Arsenal
24.97
91
Liverpool
21.97
91
Liverpool
25.83
91
Chelsea
23.17
92
Manchester United
21.31
92
Manchester United
21.18
92
Manchester United
20.28

 

 

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, PLEASE CONTACT:

• Mick Thorburn: mick@thorburnpr.co.uk: Tel:  0034950 453340

• warren@warrenunited.net

NOTES FOR EDITORS:

Methodology: How The Fan-Suffering Index Was Calculated

In formulating the index, statisticians at the English National Football Archive were commissioned by the producers of Warren United to rank all 92 League clubs by the suffering of their fans. ENFA’s “stattos” gave different weightings for victory in the following domestic competitions: Premier League (or past equivalent) (10), Championship (6), League One (4), League Two (2), FA Cup (8), League Cup (6), Johnstone’s Paint Trophy (2), Test match wins (used to decide promotion and relegation in the 1890s) (2), play-off wins (4).

 

Other factors inputted include: average league position; percentage of games won in all domestic competitions; average home attendance; promotion and relegation; and season-by-season record in the FA Cup.

 

About Warren United:

The first episode of Warren United kicks off on April 22 at 10pm on ITV4.

Co-written by Simon Nye, the writer of Men Behaving Badly, David Quantick and Dominic Holland, the show features the voices of BATFA award-winner Darren Boyd (as Warren), Morgana Robinson, Nitin Ganatra and Johnny Vegas (as Fat Baz, manager of Brainsford United).

 

The English National Football Archive is at www.enfa.co.uk

Contact: statsmen@enfa.co.uk

 

Warren United announcement release

Warren United – 6 x 30 min family sitcom for ITV4:

kicks off 22nd April

ITV warms up for World Cup with new animated sitcom about family, football and the passion of being a fan

• Written by Simon Nye, David Quantick, Dominic Holland

• Voices by Darren Boyd, Morgana Robinson, Nitin Ganatra, Johnny Vegas

• Produced and directed by an award-winning international comedy team

• 1863-4: The FA founded; birth of modern football

• 22/4/2014: Warren United kicks off on ITV 4

• Warren United: 150 years in-the-making

 

Simon Nye, the writer of Men Behaving Badly, Baby Cow, the production company behind Uncle, Gavin and Stacey, Mighty Boosh and Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa, and leading Canadian animation house, Smiley Guy, have teamed up to bring you this feel-good family comedy just in time for the UEFA Champions League semi-finals on April 22nd

Each week, Warren United will follow the fortunes of Warren Kingsley, an overweight kitchen salesman and fervent football fan, as he stumbles through life trying to juggle his two passions – football and family. and this summer’s World Cup.

There’s only one Warren Kingsley, its loveable but hapless hero. Warren, aged 37 and ½, is a fan for all seasons and a bloke of two halves: both a devoted husband and dad and a diehard fan of Brainsford United, a chronically struggling club, known to its long-suffering fans as “The Meringues.”

Warren is voiced by BAFTA award-winning Darren Boyd, (Spy, Alpha Papa). Nitin Ganatra (EastEnders) voices Dilip, Warren’s best friend, while Morgana Robinson (Vic and Bob’s House of Fools) voices Charlie, Warren’s sulky teenage daughter and Morwenna Banks (voice of Peppa Pig) voices Warren’s young son Harrison. Eleanor Lawrence (Common Ground) is Warren’s Dutch wife Ingrid and Georgie Glen (Waterloo Road) his young-at-heart mum.

Johnny Vegas voices Fat Baz, the manager of Brainsford United, while Jonathan Kydd and Bertie Portal voice two well-spoken but foul-mouthed police horses, who dispense their views on match-day issues.

Warren United is the brainchild of executive producer, Bill Freedman, who has spent no less than eight years bringing it to the screen. Himself a devoted football fan, he was for decades a key figure in West End theatre as a producer and theatre-owner. Warren United marks his TV debut.

“It’s about the two most important f’s in life – family and football,” says Freedman. “This show is also about the passion of being a fan. Yes, supporting Brainsford United often brings Warren more pain than joy but that’s what makes him a true fan.”

Henry Normal, co-founder of Baby Cow productions, is co-executive producer: “New animated narrative series in this country are so rare,” says Normal. “So are comedies about football, while those about fans even rarer. On several counts, therefore, we’re trying something unusual.”

Angela Jain, ITV Director of Digital Channels and Acquisitions, says: “ITV4 fans love their football and boasting a stellar cast, Warren United is aimed squarely at them. It is about the tricky balance of being a committed fan and a family man – which will strike a chord with many football followers.

“The fact it’s an animated comedy series about football makes it distinctive, and we’re hoping viewers will take Warren, his family and his other love – Brainsford United – to their hearts.”

 

Written by Simon Nye, David Quantick and Dominic Holland

Directed by Tim Searle (2DTV, Have I got News For You, I’m Not an Animal)

Produced by Jeremy Diamond and Denny Silverthorne

Co-production with leading Canadian animation house, Smiley Guy Studios, headed by executive producer Jonas Diamond

 

For further information please contact Sophie Toumazis or Elizabeth Dunk at tpr media consultants sophie@tpr-media.com / elizabeth@tpr-media.com +44 (0)20 8347 7020 or 07974 428858.

 

 

• 1863-4: The FA founded; birth of modern football
• 22/4/2014: Warren United kicks off on ITV 4
• Warren United: 150 years in-the-making

 

Simon Nye, the writer of Men Behaving Badly, Baby Cow, the production company behind Uncle, Gavin and Stacey, Mighty Boosh and Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa, and leading Canadian animation house, Smiley Guy, have teamed up to bring you this feel-good family comedy just in time for the UEFA Champions League semi-finals on April 22nd

Each week, Warren United will follow the fortunes of Warren Kingsley, an overweight kitchen salesman and fervent football fan, as he stumbles through life trying to juggle his two passions – football and family, and this summer’s World Cup.

Should Referees Go Back To School?

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Sam Allardyce thinks referees should go back to school. “Get young referees off the parks and into academies,” says Big Sam. He’s quite right — and the biggest thing the modern ref needs is an academic training in how to deal with irate gaffers.

Course units at Refs School should include the methodology of how to spot that care in the community glint in a gaffer’s eye that indicates he is about to unleash a Pardew-esque butt on a Hull City player. Tutors might reflect that grey-haired little men with Napoleonic complexes called Jose need special observation, as they are, if roused by a bad tackle, likely to escape their technical area like an unleashed tiger and rush on to the pitch wearing a normcore coat. Dealing with the Mourinho “innocent shrug” as you red card him could take up a complete term’s work, but would enhance all men in black’s academic development.

The most important section of the course would be held in the Wenger School of Optical Challenges and be centred on exercises identifying which Arsenal player to send off for handballing on the line.

The Wayne’s World unit would deal with the psychology of the modern game and help the trainee ref identify which players are feeling tetchy because their hair transplants haven’t taken.

While the Practical Refereeing unit would suggest innovative responses to players who flourish imaginary cards, such as the ref flourishing an imaginary card back at them. It would also include a methodology for dealing with players always in the ref’s ear like Luis Suarez and Kevin Nolan (an off the ball Chinese Burn is suggested).

As for the tricky problem of what to do when you are forced to consult your assistant because he’s flagging for an infringement against Andy Carroll, the course handbook suggests discussing the weather with him while looking earnest, awarding a goal anyway and then running back to the centre circle as fast as you can…

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Top Five Futile Fan Protests

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Let’s face it, if we really wanted to protest we’d stop going to matches. Ever since Michael Palin threw a clock through the window after losing “8 bloody 1!” in Ripping Yarns, fans have been the masters of the ineffectual protest, as exemplified by that plane over Old Trafford at the weekend.

PLANE STUPID AT MAN UNITED

Man United fans paid £840 to hire a plane carrying a “Wrong One Moyes Out” banner over Old Trafford. The protest backfired as Moyes walked out on the pitch five minutes before kick off and received warm applause. The plane arrived late and was booed from all sides of the ground and then Man United won 4-1. Not only have the fans made themselves look stupid for undermining their own team, now they’ve given rival supporters a good idea. If Liverpool or Man City win the league, surely their fans will hire a plane with a banner reading “David Moyes is a football genius” to fly over Old Trafford.

ARSENAL FANS URGE WENGER TO SPEND SPEND SPEND

As Arsenal lost 3-1 to Aston Villa on the opening day of the season the fans held up A4 sheets of paper reading “Spend Spend Spend” to taunt tight-fisted Arsene Wenger. They contrasted their miserly summer with that of Spurs who had spent £100 million on players. Only a couple of weeks later everyone realised that Spurs’ players were all useless. Wenger signed Mathieu Flamini on a free transfer, who proved to be a real bargain, Mezut Ozil joined for £42 million, Aaron Ramsey couldn’t stop scoring and everyone suddenly thought prudence was a good thing.

GREEN AND YELLOW SCARVES AT OLD TRAFFORD

Back in 2010 Man United fans took to wearing green and yellow scarves in protest at the debt imposed on the club by the Glazer family. Green and yellow were the original colours of Newton Heath, the forerunner of Manchester United, though to the outside world it just looked as if the United fans had suddenly become Norwich supporters. “Let’s be ’avin yer!” they said, but Fergie and his men kept on winning the league and the scarves slowly died out. And if the Glazers were clever, they probably invested in those green and yellow scarf sellers outside Old Trafford anyway…

DERBY CROWD ALMOST GO ON STRIKE

In 1973 Brian Clough, who had won the league, resigned as manager of Derby County after feeling undermined by directors questioning the role of his number two Peter Taylor. Fans took to the streets in protest, supported by the town’s MP, and the players even threatened to go on strike. Yet ultimately both players and fans backed down and the club replaced Clough with former Derby legend Dave Mackay. Instead of proving to be a no-hoper, Mackay went to and win the league again.

CHELSEA FANS SALUTE ROBERTO DI MATTEO

Chelsea fans were incensed by the sacking of Roberto Di Matteo and his replacement with ex-Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez in 2012. Di Matteo wore the number 16 shirt when he played at Chelsea and in the 16th game against Manchester City the fans began to applaud and sing Di Matteo’s name and held up “Rafa Out” and “Chelsea Fans Do Not Forget” banners. The Chelsea fans made themselves look a bit silly by not uttering a word of protest at owner Roman Abramovich, the man who sacked Di Matteo, in case he withdrew his dosh. Then most Chelsea fans did forget as Rafael Benitez went and ruined everything by winning the Europa League.

Burger Al and Warren

BURGER THIS FOR A LAUGH PROTEST

I’ll admit that as a protest (or had my missus secretly booked me into football aversion therapy?) I sold my Brainsford United season ticket to my mate Burger Al, who not that surprisingly runs a burger stall, in exchange for four burgers. Didn’t work though as I later had to buy it back off him after we went unbeaten for three games – and he charged me an arm and a leg for it too. minute of the home

5 Landmark Matches That Went Wrong

 

Arsene Wenger’s landmark 1000th match with Arsenal didn’t go quite to plan at the weekend.

It made me think of other unfortunately memorable matches over the years and here are my top five.

5. WENGER’S DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS

LONDON, ENGLAND - MARCH 22: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain of Arsenal appeals to Referee Andre Marriner after he gave Kieran Gibbs of Arsenal (not pictured) a red card during the Barclays Premier League match between Chelsea and Arsenal at Stamford Bridge on March 22, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images)

 

Arsenal were expected to mark Arsene Wenger’s 1000th game with the flowing football that has characterised his reign. Instead, the Gunners were two goals down after seven minutes.

Arsene then saw Oxlade-Chamberlain concede a penalty by handballing a shot that was going wide anyway and ref Andree Marriner sent off the wrong man in Kieran Gibbs. Arsenal even made Fernando Torres look good for Oscar’s fourth goal.

A goalkeeping clanger for Oscar’s fifth and pathetic marking for Salah’s sixth goal rounded off Wenger’s terrible day. Before the game, David Dein revealed that he recruited Wenger after being impressed by his ability to play charades at a dinner party. At Stamford Bridge his defence might as well have been playing charades too.

 

4. BRAZIL BLOW THE WORLD CUP FINAL

A French fullback throws himself at the feet of Brazilian forward Vava during the World Cup semi-final at the Rasunda Stadion in Solna, Stockholm, 24th June 1958. Brazil beat France 5-2. (Photo by Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

 

In 1950, Brazil only needed to turn up to win the World Cup. As the tournament was played in a group format, Brazil just needed a draw to win the trophy. They were the home side in the newly-built Maracana Stadium so what could possibly go wrong?

Newspapers and thousands of signs in Rio celebrated Brazil as champions before the game. Brazil took the lead, but beset by nerves in front of a 210,000 crowd, let in the equaliser after 66 minutes.

And then came a goalkeeping howler as Barbosa, expecting a cross, let Ghiggia’s shot glide into the net with 11 minutes to go. The rest of the game was played in stunned silence and Brazil’s Football Confederation had to throw away the winners’ medals it had already engraved. Poor Barbosa was vilified for the rest of his life. Doh!

 

3. LEEDS LOSE OUT TO DODGY GAFFER IN A RAINCOAT

SUNDERLAND, ENGLAND - MARCH 27: The statue of Bob Stokoe, the manager who took Sunderland to FA Cup victory in 1973, looks on outside the stadium before the FA Cup Sixth Round Replay between Sunderland and Everton at Stadium of Light on March 27, 2012 in Sunderland, England. (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

 

The 1973 FA Cup Final was a chance for Don Revie’s famous Leeds side of Bremner, Hunter, Giles, Clarke and Gray to turn on the style and annihilate second division no-hopers Sunderland.

Only Jim Montgomery made a miraculous double save to deny Cherry and Lorimer after Ian Porterfield had scored the winner. The final humiliation for Leeds was demented Sunderland gaffer Bob Stokoe celebrating on the pitch in a bizarre combo of red tracksuit, raincoat and trilby.

 

2. BAYERN MUNICH LOSE AT HOME TO CHELSEA RESERVES

 

The Champions League Final of 2012-13 was played in the Allianz Arena, Bayern’s home ground. All Bayern had to do was beat a Chelsea side without suspended captain John Terry, Ramires and Ivanovic and managed by caretaker Roberto Di Matteo.

Thomas Mueller’s 83rd minute appeared to have won it for Bayern, only for Drogba to equalise with a bullet header from a corner after 88 minutes. Robben then had a  penalty saved by Cech in extra time. Finally, it went to penalties and German teams never lose on penalties – except they did as Schweinsteiger hit the post and Drogba converted.

Munich fans were left crying in litres of lager as John Terry got his kit out for the lads.

 

1. BRAINSFORD MISS OUT ON CUP GLORY

 

My one thousandth match supporting Brainsford United didn’t go too well either. The second leg of the 2006-07 Semi-Final of the Co-operative Tarpaulins Trophy saw the Meringues 2-0 up from the away leg at Altonbury Rovers and expecting glory in front of a full house.

Only we hadn’t reckoned with Pablo Jose Araganth getting sent off in the second minute, Alphonse Marmalade missing a spot-kick for us and an own goal and a shot from the halfway line in added time resulting in a 3-0 home defeat.

Sort of thing that makes you want to turn off all forms of social media, not leave the house and consider therapy – a feeling Arsene Wenger must know only too well.

6 Premier League Figures Who Had a Terrible Day at the Office

 

It’s not often that one weekend throws up so much controversy, including Wayne Rooney’s worst nightmare, but a number of our footballing heroes have just experienced ‘a bad day at the office’.

Here are the gaffers and players who had a ’mare last weekend…

 

6. Wayne Rooney

LONDON, ENGLAND - MARCH 05: Wayne Rooney of England controls the ball during the International Friendly match between England and Denmark at Wembley Stadium on March 5, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by Clive Rose/Getty Images)

 

Saw his side lose 3-0 at home to hated rivals Liverpool and go 14 points behind the Scousers.

Rooney also had to play up front with a moody Dutchman who won’t pass to him, didn’t get any service from that Belgian with the comedy hairstyle and then saw Liverpool fans holding up a “David Moyes is a Football Genius” banner.

Wayne described the game as “my worst nightmare”, which is saying something when you’ve admitted visiting a brothel as a teenager, been exposed in the tabloids for liaisons with escort Jenny Thompson, been sent off for England in the World Cup and humiliatingly dropped by Fergie for a home match against Real Madrid.

 

5. Jose Mourinho

BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND - MARCH 15: Jose Mourinho manager of Chelsea looks on prior to the Barclays Premier League match between Aston Villa and Chelsea at Villa Park on March 15, 2014 in Birmingham, England. (Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images)

 

Saw two Chelsea players sent off at Villa, protesting as Willian was booked a second time for an innocuous tussle. Ramires was then red carded for a dreadful challenge.

Jose and Paul Lambert both went onto the pitch, but ref Chris Foy only red-carded Mourinho. The fourth official then ignored his classic open-armed “what, me?” gesture of innocence and pointed to the stand. Jose then had to listen to a rousing “F••k off Mourinho!” from the Holt End.

4. Vincent Kompany

BARCELONA, SPAIN - MARCH 12: A dejected Manchester City captain Vincent Kompany reacts following his team's 2-1 defeat during the UEFA Champions League Round of 16, second leg match between FC Barcelona and Manchester City at Camp Nou on March 12, 2014 in Barcelona, Spain. (Photo by David Ramos/Getty Images)

 

Only lasted ten minutes at Hull City after being caught trying to dribble out of defence and then sent off for tugging Nikica Jelavic’s shirt as the striker ran through on goal.

After first shouting at the ref, Kompany then stormed off down the tunnel and showing all the self-control of a toddler was filmed kicking the tunnel wall in frustration. Vincent then had to witness the maligned Demichelis look a much better player without him.

 

3. Alan Pardew

HULL, ENGLAND - MARCH 01: Alan Pardew manager of Newcastle United is sent off after a clash with David Meyler of Hull City (not pictured) during the Barclays Premier League match between Hull City and Newcastle United at KC Stadium on March 1, 2014 in Hull, England. (Photo by Matthew Lewis/Getty Images)

 

Banned from stadiums for seven matches, Pards had to watch his Newcastle side lose to bottom of the table Fulham from his hotel room. He was as powerless as the rest of us watching TV and will have been exasperated that Dejagah’s shot went straight through Tim Krul.

Did manage to get a couple of calls through to assistant John Carver, but probably sounded as demented as all those other blokes on football phone-ins. Enough to drive any gaffer to the mini-bar.

 

2. Tim Sherwood

LONDON, ENGLAND - MARCH 13: Tim Sherwood manager of Tottenham Hotspur reacts as Luisao of Benfica (not pictured) scores their second goal during the UEFA Europa League Round of 16 first leg match between Tottenham Hotspur FC and SL Benfica at White Hart Lane on March 13, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by Clive Rose/Getty Images)

 

Saw Spurs lose at home to hated rivals Arsenal, their third defeat on the trot and got his managerial flouncing all wrong by throwing his gilet at the dugout in exasperation as the Gunners broke through the Spurs defence.

With his gilet he looked like a barrow boy turned banker on a skiing holiday, without it he looked like an ageing Spandau Ballet fan in a polo neck. Sherwood then threw the ball at Bacary Sagna before a throw-in and just as it looked like he was up for some Pardew-esque nutting, he meekly shook the Arsenal player’s hand.

 

1. Warren Kingsley

 

Have to admit, I had a nightmare too and got a bit carried away watching my local side Brainsford United. All I did was run into the technical area, shove Fat Baz out of the way and call the referee an anchor, or something like that… no way did it deserve a red card.

Where have all the great central defensive duos gone?

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Where have all the great central defensive duos gone? Rarely can the top sides have let in so many dodgy goals. Just as Mertesacker and Koscielny start to impress for Arsenal they let in five at Liverpool.

Liverpool’s Kolo Toure recently played a suicidal pass across his own goal to gift West Brom an equaliser, Manchester City’s Demichelis has often looked vulnerable, as has David Luiz when played at centre back by Chelsea. While at Man United Vidic is on his bike and Evans and Smalling have not convinced as successors to Rio Ferdinand.

What our teams need is more granite-faced defensive duos who would kick their grandmothers to prevent a goal. Here are some greats from the past.

6. Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - APRIL 15: Former Liverpool players Alan Kennedy, Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson and former coach Roy Evans attend the the Hillsborough memorial service at Anfield on April 15, 2009, Liverpool, England. Thousands of fans, friends and relatives descended on Liverpool's Anfield Stadium to mark the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster. A total of 96 Liverpool supporters lost their lives during a crush at an FA Cup semi final against Nottingham Forest at the Hillsborough football ground in Sheffield, South Yorkshire in 1989. (Photo by Jim Dyson/Getty Images)

 

Formed a great partnership at Liverpool in the 1980s. As Lawrenson says, you have to be a pessimist as a defender, always assuming your mate is going to miss the ball, or wear a bad taste shirt on the TV sofa. Hansen was an elegant ball-playing centre back while Lawrenson showed great anticipation in the tackle. No diabolical defending with these two around. Lawrenson won five title medals and Hansen eight.

5. Steve Bruce and Gary Pallister

 

Man United’s first title under Fergie was founded on these twin rocks at the back. Bruce was uncompromising and committed, scoring the goal in Fergie Time that won United their first title in 26 years in 1993. Pallister was a 6ft 4in giant with surprising speed and ball control. They won three titles, three FA Cups, the League Cup and Cup Winners’ Cup together. The pair were nicknamed ‘Dolly and Daisy’, but we can forgive them that.

4. John Terry and Ricardo Carvalho

LONDON, ENGLAND - AUGUST 09: Captain John Terry of Chelsea leads the celebrations with the trophy after victory in the FA Community Shield match between Manchester United and Chelsea at Wembley Stadium on August 9, 2009 in London, England. (Photo by Phil Cole/Getty Images)

 

Chelsea’s duo were vital in Jose Mourinho’s two title winning sides of 2005 and 2006. Terry was a natural organiser – brave, a master at last-ditch interventions and a regular scorer of headers from set pieces. Carvalho was an elegant Portuguese centre back who had speed, mobility and the skill of a midfield player. The pair only let in a miserly 15 goals in the title-winning 2004-05 season.

3. Jack Charlton and Bobby Moore

Captain Bobby Moore celebrating with his team mates after England's victory in the 1966 World Cup final at Wembley, 30th July 1966. (Photo by Fox Photos/Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

 

In England’s 1966 World Cup-winning side and the 1970 quarter-finals, the defensive duo perfectly complemented each other. Charlton was a great giraffe in the air who liked to clatter his centre forward, while Moore was a natural sweeper, an immaculate tackler able to play penetrating balls out of defence. Witness the way he finds Geoff Hurst for England’s final goal in the 4-2 World Cup Final win over West Germany at Wembley.

2. Tony Adams and Steve Bould

London - May 13: Tony Adams of Arsenal says thanks to centre back partner Steve Bould during the Tony Adams Testimonial match played between Arsenal and Glasgow Celtic at Highbury, London on May 13, 2002. (Photo by Ben Radford/Getty Images)

 

There’s still 1990s forwards trapped in the old Highbury trying to escape their offside trap. Adams and Bould starred in both George Graham’s ‘1-0 to the Arsenal’ years and the early seasons of the Arsene Wenger era. Both were great in the air and uncompromising tacklers, but Wenger taught them to play a bit too. Bould’s chipped ball to Adams for Arsenal’s fourth in a 4-0 victory over Everton was a highlight of the 1997-98 double season. Adams, who won titles in three different decades, even looked unbeatable when he was an alcoholic, which takes some doing.

1. Warren United and Dillip

 

And then there’s me and my mate Dillip. Impregnable defensive duo for Brainsford United, tougher than my kitchen’s granite worktop surface, and more clean sheets than my Missus Ingrid could dream of. Do their best defensive work after refueling at Burger Al’s. If you cut them they would bleed Meringues. At least in my dreams…