Author Archives: Warren Kingsley

“Childbirth only lasts a few hours. The pain of relegation lasts all summer.”

• Fulham fans now feeling the pain of relegation include Daniel Radcliffe, Hugh Grant, Piers Brosnan. Norwich fans facing it include Stephen Fry, Delia Smith, Hugh Jackman.

The agony of having your football club relegated is the nearest male equivalent to the pain of childbirth, according to a national poll of football fans.

Nearly two-thirds (63%) of football season ticket-holders polled felt that the pain of relegation was the nearest most men would come to experiencing the pain of giving birth.

The survey was conducted by the polling company TLF, on behalf of Warren United (www.warrenunited.net), a new animated sitcom on ITV4 about a diehard fan of a rubbish football team.

“Warren’s team in Warren United is constantly threatened with relegation”, says Simon Nye, its lead writer, whose previous credits include the sitcom Men Behaving Badly. “He lives in terror of it – and in bewilderment at those who don’t understand his fears.”

Even among less committed fans, who attended only one or more games per season, many more – half again as many – agreed that relegation was the male equivalent to childbirth as disagreed.

The results are based on national survey of 1201 football fans – both male and female in roughly equal number.

Spare a thought then for the fans of Fulham (including Daniel Radcliffe, Hugh Grant, and Piers Brosnan) and Cardiff, whose clubs are now officially relegated from the Premiership this season – and for those of Norwich (including Delia Smith, Stephen Fry, Hugh Jackman), who look set to follow them.

When Bristol Rovers were relegated last week after 94 years as a Football League club, the club’s fans – and their loved ones – felt the pain. One, named Kelly Ballard, Tweeted: “Devastated about Bristol Rovers result. Not sure how my husband is going to cope though??? ‘It’s only a game’ won’t cut it.”

Only a true fan understands the pain of relegation, feels Pete May, author of the book and blog, “Hammers in the Heart: A Lifetime of Supporting West Ham”, and survivor of multiple West Ham relegations.

“I remember once when we were relegated seeing this huge skinhead in tears. He was holding his head in his hands and sobbing.”

May, of course, has never given birth himself but he has attended the birth of both his daughters, now in their teens. “I’ve seen childbirth twice and relegation five times”, he says. “Childbirth does indeed look very painful” he admits, “but it only lasts a few hours. The pain of relegation lasts all summer.” And beyond.

First, you have the whole summer of selling your best players. “And then it really sinks in next season when you’re playing the likes of Rotheram and Peterborough… and struggling to beat them.”

Do women appreciate how bad it feels? “Yes, women football fans do”, says May. “But non-fans don’t understand the sheer hopelessness of it… the pondering of missed points and the two-goal leads wasted.”

His wife, says May, disagrees with him over any comparison between relegation and children. But then she doesn’t support West Ham. So, is relegation really that bad? “It’s worse than losing on penalties to Germany in the semis”, answers May.

Plus, there’s nothing to console you. “Childbirth at least results in something positive but with relegation you’re always worried that it’s going to get worse and then you’re going to slip down through the divisions…”

May was at Wigan three years ago when West Ham were relegated on the last day of the season. “We’d been two-nil up and then lost 3-2. Then some Milwall fans hired a plane with a banner saying ‘Avram Grant [West Ham’s manager] football legend’. And then we couldn’t find a pub afterwards. And then Avram Grant was sacked straight after the game.”

That was as bad as it gets. “It’s still painful thinking about it even all these years later…”

• Further information and photographs please contact:

• Mick Thorburn: mick@thorburnpr.co.uk : 0034950 453340
• info @think-inc.co.uk

NOTES FOR EDITORS

• Warren United is on ITV4 Tuesdays at 10pm until May 27th.
Co-written by Simon Nye, the writer of Men Behaving Badly, David Quantick and Dominic Holland, the show features the voices of BATFA award-winner Darren Boyd (as Warren), Morgana Robinson, Nitin Ganatra and Johnny Vegas (as Fat Baz, manager of Brainsford United).

Methodology:
Research carried out by The Leadership Factor Ltd using an online and nationwide panel of football fans who attend one or more professional games a season. 1201 such fans completed the survey, including 255 season ticket-holders and 497 who attend 10 or more games a season. Panellists are recruited through social media, Google ad-words and affiliate programmes. Panellists are invited to complete online surveys in return for a small cash incentive. Panellists can choose to refuse/abort surveys at any time.
YourSayPays is owned and managed by The Leadership Factor Ltd. The Leadership Factor Ltd are members of the MRS and adhere to the MRS Code of Conduct and Data Protection Act, and have ISO9001 for Quality and ISO27001 for Data Security. www.leadershipfactor.com

Those polled were asked whether they agreed or disagreed that the agony of relegation was the nearest that men would come to experiencing the pain of childbirth. Nearly two-thirds (63%) of season ticket-holders agreed, as did 60% of those who attended 10 or more games of season. Even among less committed fans, who attended only one or more games per season, half again as many agreed (48%) as disagreed (32%); the rest were “don’t knows”.

Is this the most tearful season on record? Luis Suarez was in tears after Liverpool surrendered a three-goal lead in 11 crazy minutes at Crystal Pulis and had to hide his head under his shirt as Steven Gerrard shooed the cameras away.

John Terry, who has often told his side to ‘man-up’, was blubbing away after Chelsea lost in the Champions League semi-final at Atletico Madrid. It wasn’t even as if Terry will be missing the final, as I expect he’ll be buying both sets of Madrid kit at this very moment so he can celebrate with the victors. And after Chelsea drew at home to Norwich, Ashley Cole became tearful during the lap of appreciation because it might be his last home game at the Bridge.

Robert Huth, an old style defender if ever there was one, had it right when he tweeted “Still maintain that crying on the pitch should warrant a 3 match ban.” When Gazza shed his famous tears at Italia 1990 he was viewed as endearingly eccentric, yet daft as a brush. Now crying is the norm. David Beckham hastened in in all things metrosexual and cried a River Seine’s worth of tears during his last match at Paris St Germain in 2013 and this season it’s been one long sob story in the Premier League.

If I wanted emotional intelligence from footballers I’d sit in at Steve Peters’ psychiatry sessions at Liverpool. The only time I’ve been tempted to cry at football was tears of joy when Brainsford United won the Co-operative Tarpaulins Trophy, yet I restrained my emotions and simply celebrated with a bear hug on Burger Al and seven pints of overpriced lager. Real fans are used to containing their emotions, even at times of relegation, and deflecting it all with a chant of “You’re nothing special! We lose every week!”

The crying game has to stop. Alan Shearer didn’t blub, he creosoted his fence at times of high emotion. The only time a Premier League player should shed tears is when he’s kicked in the gonads by Robert Huth.