When Tim Howard shaved his mega-beard off, one Twitter user joked that he no longer looked like Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses.
They say that goalkeepers should make themselves look big and Tim’s massive beard must have doubled his size in the eyes of opposing strikers. Any shot that passed his arms would never get through that facial matting. Beards are definitely back this season, so in honour of Tim Howard’s late grizzly mask, here are my top 9 hairy-chinned footballing folk.
9. Alvaro Negredo
With his swarthy beard, Manchester City’s Alvaro looks like he should be a gunslinger riding a horse in a spaghetti western or perhaps playing the part of a hitman in a Quentin Tarantino film. He was probably paid to take out the Tottenham defence one by one. Already nicknamed ‘The Beast’, Negredo looks even more animalistic as his beard grows longer. Probably has a holster under his shorts.
8. Andre Schurrle
The Chelsea midfielder has opted for a wispy blonde beard, regularly trimmed, which he no doubt hopes makes him look like an intellectual. Though in reality, with his blonde quiff and light beard he looks rather like a German anti-nuclear protester.
7. Dani Osvaldo
Has gone for the authentic Three Musketeer look with his flowing black hair, ponytail and Cavalier-style beard. When the Southampton striker scored that brilliant goal against Manchester City it would have been no surprise to see him finish it off by running through Vincent Kompany with his sword.
6. Andy Carroll
West Ham’s Carroll might have been injured all season, but he’s put his time to good use by growing a mighty black beard. So much so, that when Russell Brand visited the Hammers’ dressing room it was hard to tell them apart. Should Carroll’s injury problems continue, he might well have a great career in stand-up ahead of him.
5. Robert Snodgrass
When Norwich’s Snodgrass scored a brilliant free kick against West Ham, he ran to the cameras exposing a full and bushy red beard that would not have been out of place in a band of 1970s Celtic folk rockers. Probably takes an acoustic guitar on away trips.
4. Andre Villas Boas
AVB favours a trimmed Euro-beard that, accompanied by his suit and Mac, makes him resemble a 1980s sociology lecturer at a struggling polytechnic. That red beard gives him the authority to talk about methodology and projects, while his ex-Tottenham players wonder what the hell he’s on about.
3. Andrea Pirlo
The Juventus playmaker sports a magnificent black bushy beard and now resembles a 50-year-old Italian pig farmer in an arthouse movie. No attempt at trimming, this is a proper man’s beard. Pirlo looks like he dines on red wine and truffles before entering the field of play.
2. Roy Keane
Upon retiring from playing, Keane gave vent to a frightening outpouring of full facial hair. What was really scary, however, were the flecks of grey on his black-bearded chin, giving him the air of a despotic King. This was not just the beard of a Man United hardman, but a grizzled hardman who had spent a lifetime eating up Arsenal midfielders.
1. Alexei Lalas
One of the greatest beards in the history of the game. If the United States centre back’s ginger beard had got any longer, then he might have joined ZZ Top. Accompanied by long red hair and a headband, he looked like a man destined for a part in either Spinal Tap or The Hobbit.